Picasso Face

In my recurring dream, my older brother is trapped, standing on some kind of torture machine that distorts his face into a giant, two dimensional Picasso painting that shifts counter-clockwise 90 degrees every second or two. His Picasso face begs me to “Find the Key! Find the Key!” that (I suppose) will loose him from his treadmill of pain. I scramble about searching for a key even though I am clueless about what it looks like or what I would do with it if I found it. I am hoping that someone will explain it to me once I obtain the mysterious key, but I never find it and wake in frustration with a start and “Find the Key!” reverberating in my head.

I’ve never made too much of dreams, especially weird ones. In fact, I rarely remember my dreams at all. I usually just have a vague recollection of having dreamt, but the details are lost as soon as I wake. What I do remember of them are just tiny snippets – of flying, or falling, or forgetting to wear some article of clothing in public.

But this one was different. It disturbed my sleep for weeks on end when I was about 12 years old. And I remembered the whole thing after waking, from beginning to end. I still do.

I don’t really dwell on it or stay up worrying about what it might mean. It doesn’t nag at me or impel me to any specific action. It no longer disturbs my sleep. But every now and then it pops back into my head for no apparent reason. And it makes me wonder.

I’m sure Carl Jung might have something to say about it. He seemed to think dreams were somehow significant – that archetypical images contained in them represented certain aspects of our psyche or something (it’s been a long time since I took Psych 101).

If that is the case, I suspect the main images in my old dream are three: my brother, the shifting Picasso face, and the hidden Key.

I suppose a few additional details might be in order if we are to make any sense of this jumble. My brother Stephen is about two years older than me. He was the Firstborn of eight siblings. I was number two. I don’t remember ever having been very close to him. Two years behind him in school, I suspect I was the whiny little brother who wanted to tag along and do all the “cool” stuff he was doing, but Steve had bigger fish to fry than to watch out for an annoying shadow. He had ways of discouraging you from following too close, so I ended up envying from the sidelines mostly, trying to stay out of his way. But oh, he had the grooviest clothes (this was the 60s), the coolest vinyl records, and was the only one of us boys who was brave enough to argue with Dad – a frequent occurrence.

He would have been about 14 when my dreams appeared: about the time his naturally rebellious streak drew him along a path of experimentation with self-destructive behaviors that would eventually lead to the addictions which have dominated his later years.

I really have no idea what the Picasso face represents or why it is in the dream. I remember seeing in my youth many photographs of Picasso paintings, or artistic designs based on his work. I think he was the most celebrated artist alive at the time. The face in my dream was like those in his paintings that look like half a side view portrait and half a front view. (See “Head of a Woman” or any of his paintings of Dora Maar for good examples). These cubist Picasso paintings always kind of creeped me out, but they fascinated me at the same time. They were like puzzles with secret meanings which, if you just looked long enough or at the right angle, you might figure out. I never figured them out. But I looked. I looked long and hard, trying to decipher the mysteries, the secret debaucheries, the hidden anguish behind those distorted eyes.

That leaves only the Key. In my dream, I am looking everywhere for a small gold or silver key like you would use to open a locked door. But I never see a lock anywhere on the torture machine that would accommodate such a key. It never occurs to me that “Find the Key!” could mean “Find the Secret” or “Find the Solution” or some other key definition.

So there you have it. But what does it all mean? I’m sure there are a lot of armchair psychologists out there that could take a crack at making some sense of it. I have no expertise in such things, but perhaps it was a kind of preparation for what was coming.

Even as a kid, I knew that my brother’s “bad” behaviors would cause him trouble someday. He was going to get caught, or get sick, or get addicted or something. It seemed inevitable. The frustration I felt at not being able to influence my older brother to make better choices was real and was reflected in my inability to “find the key.”

I hate that he has suffered so much. His face is not the Picasso of my dream, but there are distortions nonetheless. The pain of his sickness and the violence of the treatments for it have left their marks. His alternating addictions over the years turned his head in unnatural directions, keeping him from finding simple homegrown joys, opting rather for a relentless quest for the new, the foreign and different.

I still harbor some guilt at not reaching out with any consistency, attempting to redeem my straying sibling. As children, Stephen always seemed so self-confident, while I was always a blubbering mass of self-doubt. As I grew older, the path I chose helped bolster my confidence and banish both doubts and fears. Indeed, I eventually found the Key to my own happiness through faith, commitment and service. But I still have trouble accepting that I could somehow help my brother find the same. He was always the leader, even though I didn’t follow. Such a role reversal seems unnatural to me even now.

Perhaps the persistent memory of this once recurring dream is an admonition to just keep trying.

Or maybe it’s just a crazy dream that means nothing at all.

Still, it makes me wonder.

Find the Key.

Sermon

The following is a talk I presented to my LDS Church ward last Sunday. It is replete with jargon well known to the Mormon people. If anyone needs further explanation of any terms or concepts, feel free to ask. I'd love to have that conversation.

The Atonement

Last May in general conference, Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles counseled the saints as follows:

There is an imperative need for each of us to strengthen our understanding of the significance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ so that it will become an unshakable foundation upon which to build our lives.

As I have pondered and studied for this assignment from our Stake President to speak and teach about the Atonement, I have wondered what I could say that hasn’t already been addressed by others whose knowledge and understanding are far beyond my own. Indeed, all of the prophets from all ages, and all of our beloved apostles have born powerful witness and testified about both the meaning and the reality of the Atoning sacrifice of the Son of God.

I pray that the Holy Spirit will be with us as we revisit this doctrine which is so central to all we believe. It is the Good News of the Gospel, the basis for all our covenants, the foundation of all our ordinances, the motivation for good works, our strength in trial and crisis, and our hope for a bright and glorious future.

As the prophet Nephi wrote:  We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins.

I grew up in the church, and ever since I was in Primary, I have been taught that Jesus suffered in Gethsemane and on the cross for the sins of all mankind. I was taught that Jesus died for me and was resurrected so that we could all live again after this life. I had a basic understanding of the resurrection part and thought it was pretty cool. But this business about the Atonement was a bit of a mystery. I confess that it was all just words to me – words I could recite, but without much feeling or real understanding of what this gift really was.

When I left for the mission field in South Korea, I was still baffled by the Atonement. And it bothered me that I was teaching (or reciting words about) something I didn’t fully understand. So I thought I had better do something about it. In addition to my daily scripture study, I began reading the book “Jesus the Christ” by James Talmage.  It’s a great book which increased my knowledge and understanding of the concepts I was teaching, but I still had no deep personal feelings regarding it – until I met Sister Pak Soon Ee.

Sister Pak was a friend to a recent convert, Sister Ko, who had been baptized a few months before. Sister Ko had the missionary zeal of one who had found the truth after a long search and wanted to share it, so she brought her friend to us to teach.

I was a new senior companion, eager yet nervous to be the lead teacher and test out my new found knowledge and growing language skills.  Sister Pak put both my companion and I to the test.  We tried to teach her using the memorized discussions that we older RMs are all familiar with, but all we got from Sister Pak were blank stares. She was very polite, but also very confused. She couldn’t understand a thing we tried to teach.

We tried to teach her about the First Vision. But it just wasn’t getting through. We even tried a little role playing, with my companion and I standing on chairs as the Father and the Son addressing a member of the branch who knelt on the floor, playing Joseph Smith. Sister Pak just looked at us like we were crazy.

I was very frustrated, assuming that my own lack of language ability or perhaps my spiritual insensitivity was to blame. But we persisted and she kept coming back. Either something we said was getting through or (more likely) through the continued enthusiasm and encouragement of her friend Sister Ko, she agreed to be baptized. But something wasn’t right. We hadn’t felt the warmth of the Spirit that was so often present when we testified of the truth.

Sis. Pak came in for her baptismal interview with our zone leader. During the interview, it was discovered that Sis. Pak had committed a terrible sin a few years earlier. It was explained to her that because of this sin, she would not be able to receive baptism until a space of time had passed wherein she could attempt to obtain forgiveness from her Father in Heaven. 

Sister Pak was devastated. I’ll never forget the great wracking sobs of grief as she left us that day. I tried to ask if she would be OK, but she either wouldn’t or couldn’t speak to us. I was reminded of Alma the Younger who spoke of his own torment and anguish for having rebelled against God and committed serious transgressions:

Alma 36: 10, 12-13, 16

10 …I fell to the earth; and it was for the space of three days and three nights that I could not open my mouth…

12 But I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.

13 Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.

16 And now, for three days and for three nights was I racked, even with the pains of a damned soul.

When Sister Pak left us that cold drizzly night, I thought we would never see her again. I knew that I had never felt such anguish as I was witnessing. I feared she was walking away for good. In my immature understanding, I thought my job as a missionary was to help people feel good about the Gospel and want to join with it. I mistakenly thought, “Who would want to come back for more after we had made her feel so bad about herself?”  I didn’t realize that what she was experiencing was a necessary part of the great gift of repentance.

I don’t know how long Sister Pak remained in torment and anguish. I didn’t see her again until about three weeks later when another interview had been scheduled. But the moment I saw her, before she said anything, I knew something special had happened. She had left us three weeks earlier suffering the pangs of conscience and guilt such as I had never seen before. She had walked away from us shrouded in a terrible mist of darkness and despair. But now, she was a different person. Her entire countenance had changed. She had a light in her eyes and a smile suffused with pure joy. And I was reminded again of Alma the Younger who continued his story in Alma 36:

17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.

19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.

20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!

It was then, when I met Sister Pak again, who was received into the waters of baptism, whose transgression was washed away, it was then that I finally understood what the Atonement was all about, what the Good News of the Gospel really was, and what I was really doing there as a missionary in Korea. As described in Isaiah 61:

1 THE Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

3 … to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

A whole new world had opened up for Sister Pak. She was no longer confused by what we taught her, but responded with enthusiasm and excitement.

Sin truly is a prison. When we commit sin, we become trapped. Like a prisoner who sees little beyond the walls of his cell, we can lose our eternal focus and can’t imagine our real potential beyond the here and now. The Holy Ghost is a revealer of truth and a giver of comfort and hope and is constantly trying to communicate with us, but when we persist in sin, we withdraw ourselves from the Spirit of the Lord as King Benjamin says in Mosiah Chapter 2, “that it may have no place in you to guide you in wisdom’s paths that you may be blessed, prospered and preserved.”  Instead, we are left alone to struggle through our daily lives shackled to our past mistakes, vainly searching for happiness in wickedness, having to endure the influence of a different spirit, who has no charitable intentions for your future happiness. These are the "chains of hell" spoken of in the scriptures.

Through the Atonement, Christ opens the prison doors and lets the captives free. He breaks the chains of hell through the gift of repentance. How is it done? I don’t know, but somehow, through a willing but terrible sacrifice, in the Garden of Gethsemane Christ suffered the pains and guilt and remorse and punishment for the sins of all mankind. In addition, so that he would be able to compassionately succor his people in their times of greatest need, He also endured the pains of all our sicknesses and afflictions, both mental and physical, and even spiritual as the Father withdrew His Spirit for what was probably the first and only time in Christ’s perfect life as He hung upon the cross at Calvary.  Of all He had to endure, I imagine this last was probably the hardest, prompting Him to call out: “My God, My God. Why hast Thou forsaken me?”

I don’t really understand the principle or process in God’s magnificent universe that allows the suffering of this one perfect being to substitute for our own suffering which would otherwise be demanded by the justice of God for our own disobedience. I don’t understand how it works, but I testify that it does. I have felt the cleansing and freeing power of repentance in my own life and as a former Bishop, I have had the privilege of assisting others to find it. Of all the gifts of God available to man, I testify that there is none greater than the Atonement of Christ. Through it, come both the breaking of the bands of death through the resurrection, and the breaking of the chains of hell through the miracle of forgiveness.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His Only Begotten Son, that whoso believeth on Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.”

Resurrection is the free gift given to all mankind, both good and evil, whether repentant or resistant. Christ was the first fruits of the resurrection. Because he was the Only Begotten of the Father, He was the only one of God’s children with power over life and death – first to give up His life for our sakes, then to take it up again after death. Having broken the bands of death, He shares this gift with all God’s children unconditionally, that we too may rise from the grave to stand before God in the flesh to be judged for our works in life.

Having also broken the chains of hell and having opened the spiritual prison of sin, Christ’s Atonement makes possible the miracle of forgiveness and sanctification.  But there are conditions attached to this gift. For, we are told by the prophets that, no unclean thing can dwell in the presence of God, and that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God. In other words, we all need help, not only to overcome the bondage of sin in this life, but to avoid the terrible punishments that await those who persist in sin or who do not repent.

D&C 19:15-1815 Therefore I command you to repent—repent, lest I smite you by the rod of my mouth, and by my wrath, and by my anger, and your sufferings be sore—how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not.
16 For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;
17 But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;
18 Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink

There is a reason that those prophets to whom the suffering of the ungodly has been revealed, even if just partially, warn us again and again to flee the wrath to come. They use words like woe, weeping, wailing , gnashing of teeth, fear and trembling, anguish, torment, and the granddaddy of them all, the burning lake of fire and brimstone. Even though we know from modern revelation that this lake of fire and brimstone is not an actual physical place, there is a reason that this powerful metaphor is used over and over: If nothing else, it should teach us that the Wrath of God is nothing to be trifled with.

I do not mention this with the intent of scaring anyone into repentance, but simply to emphasize that the consequences of sin are real and that it is desirable to avoid them. Although we may have little appreciation for how terrible and ominous is the Wrath of God, neither do we fully comprehend the depth and breadth of God’s love for us and the completeness of His mercy.

Sometimes I think that when we hear or read of the “infinite Atonement” we think of something so huge and so important to the salvation of the entire world, we fail to realize that its effects are intensely personal and individualized. We fail to understand that what Christ has wrought is the perfect Atonement for YOU. No matter who you are or what you have done, He knows you and loves you, and His grace is sufficient for YOU. Let me say that again: What Christ has wrought is the perfect Atonement for YOU.

May we all reach out and take advantage of this the greatest of all gifts by first, having faith on the Lord Jesus Christ: We must truly believe that he has power to take away our sins and that he loves us and wants us to repent (which is step #2) so that we may be cleansed of sin.  Once we repent, we make the gift real by making sacred covenants through baptism, or renewing our covenants by partaking of the sacrament.  The final step is to endure to the end that we might retain a remission of our sins and be found spotless at the last day.

I testify that Jesus is the Christ, the living resurrected Savior of the world and more importantly, my personal Savior and yours. He is the sure foundation upon which if men build they cannot fall. e is the sure foundationI testify that the Atonement is real, that repentance works and forgiveness is available to all who go through the steps of repentance. I also testify that this is His church, restored in its fullness with all the authority to perform the saving ordinances which make repentance worth the effort. We are led by a living prophet, who continues to warn a wicked world to flee the wrath to come by inviting us all to come unto Christ and be healed.

I pray that we will all heed the warnings and respond to that divine invitation in the name of our Redeemer, Jesus Christ, Amen.