Another church talk for a High Council Sunday:
How does one measure the strength of a family? Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are taught that the family is the fundamental unit of society, and that the strength of a nation depends on the strength of its families. We learn that the individual finds his or her ultimate purpose and capacity for joy within the bonds of family relationships. But the definition of what constitutes a strong family, it seems, is left rather vague. Perhaps this is because the family is a dynamic entity, changing with time and circumstance, such that no single description of its strength will apply to all families, all the time. What makes one family strong now, might not apply equally to a different family, or even to the same family a few decades later.
Certainly there are characteristics, or rather outcomes, in strong families that are commonly recognized: where each family member has love and respect for the other members, where we mourn with those that mourn and rejoice in the success and happiness of each other. But again, these are things that, although readily felt and recognized in the heart, are not easily measured.
Nevertheless, the Father of us all, He who knows more about families than any of us, has not left us without guidance on this question. Recognizing the dynamic nature of the family, He has sent us scriptures and living prophets to help us identify the building blocks of family strength, which if applied to our families will bolster, connect and unify us not only as earthly families, but more importantly, as members of His eternal family.
As we review these elements, let me caution against making family comparisons. I assure you there are no perfect families among us. Each has room for improvement. But it’s all too easy to point to this or that family and become discouraged thinking, “We will never be as great as that family,” or even worse, to look about you and become complacent by thinking, “At least we are stronger than them.” Both of these attitudes, pride and fatalism, are tools of the adversary to keep you and your family from moving forward and making the changes needed to ensure your place in celestial realms.
Our focus must be internal when it comes to making adjustments that will strengthen our families. Yes, we can look outside for good examples, ideas and helps from those around us, but make sure you do so for inspiration, not for comparison.
Now, it goes without saying that a family is composed of individuals, each with their own unique set of strengths. In a way, the family derives strength from the strengths of each individual, and when one person in the family gets stronger, the family benefits from that strength. So you might think that if you could somehow measure the strengths of the individuals and add them up, the sum total would equal the strength of that family. But you would be wrong, for a couple of different reasons.
For one thing, there is usually one person who carries a greater burden and responsibility for the strength of the family than do the other members, and that is the head of the household. Usually that is going to be the father, but in many families nowadays, it might be a single mom, or a grandparent or someone else. But whoever it is who holds that stewardship to provide, protect and preside in the family will find that
the strength of his family will largely be a reflection of the spirit which he brings to it. If I, as a father, am doing my duty and leading my family to Christ, teaching both by word and example, I feel the Spirit as a tangible presence in my home, strengthening each member, helping to repair breaches where needed, and knitting us closer together in unity, love and respect. If, however, I find myself getting lax in my spiritual duties: should my prayers become infrequent or unfeeling, or my scripture study fall victim to busy-ness or laziness, or my obedience to commandments become a matter of convenience rather than commitment, that is when I find that I am left to myself. And like the prideful Nephites of old who found themselves without the protection of the Spirit and as weak as their enemies, I too find it much harder to combat the influences of the world from encroaching and weakening the bonds of family.
I’ll say it once again because it is an important concept: For the Head of the Household, the strength of your family will largely be a reflection of the spirit you bring to it. No, you can’t control everything that happens in your family; nor should you try to do so, lest you fall into the realm of unrighteous dominion. But your influence, when coupled with the Spirit of God, is a definite force to be reckoned with and will bear fruit, whether for good or ill, for years to come.
The second reason that you can’t just add up the strength of individuals to find the measure of a family’s strength is due to the dynamics of family life itself. The very circumstance of living together in a family affects the strength of the individual. In other words, I am a stronger person
because I am part of a family. When I think of my life and where I would be or what I would be doing if I was not a husband and father, or if I had not grown up in a family where values were taught and exemplified, I shudder. I do not think I would have been strong enough on my own to provide for, protect or preside over anyone. But the covenants, commitments and blessings of family life are transformative; they provide a clearer, broader vision of what could be, and the courage to stretch beyond what you may perceive as your own personal limits or abilities. To say it differently, when working as they should, families are faith factories, a place where God can give us a glimpse of our potential and provide us the courage to pursue it.
And what a vision it is. Listen again to the phrases defining family in the First Presidency’s inspired Proclamation to the World. It says that family is “central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children,” and that “the divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave,” where “sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.” That is breathtaking.
Is it any wonder that God has ordained the family as the fundamental unit of both the church and of society in general? Is it any wonder that the adversary is trying so hard to redefine the family as something less than what it really is? Couched in the political language of greater inclusion, Satan would actually deceive us into limiting the nature of the family: making it simply a place where people of common interests gather for a short time, parting with the tides of desire, without any real promise of permanence or enhanced potential.
It’s the same old argument Lucifer used in the beginning: “We’ll let everybody get what they want without requiring anything from them,” no standards, no sacrifice, promising that which he could never deliver.
But that’s not the only lie floating around out there. There is a popular notion in literature and in the media which is even more subtly deceiving, even to many people of faith. It is the belief that if the love between two people is just strong enough, they will be able to stay together forever, that love is stronger than death. It is a romantic notion, but also a false one. It will take more than mere infatuation to merit such a prize. Let me explain.
I am a father with two daughters and a son. I do not claim to know the mind of God beyond what I have been taught by the prophets and sacred scripture, but I suspect that He feels much the same way about each of us as I do about my kids. And though I cannot say that I love any one of my kids more than I do the others, my love is expressed differently based on their needs and my expectations for them. I want to give my son that which will allow him to one day stand strong and independent of me as the head of his own eternal family, finding joy in his posterity as he adds glory and honor to God’s kingdom, and hopefully to mine too.
For my daughters, I wish them to one day join in matrimony with the kind of man I envision my son becoming. And I am not inclined to give my blessing to just anyone who wanders in looking to wed one of my girls. I want to make sure whoever he is, he at least has the potential to provide her the means for a happy life and an eternity of joy.
Now think of it. For God to release one of His beloved children into the care of another,
for eternity, He is going to want to see evidence of more than just “But I love her.”
No. This is a blessing that is reserved for those who will reach for it, strive for it, using their agency to choose obedience, a standard of behavior designed to help us overcome our natural, selfish desires and inclinations, turning our wills over to God through our faith in His Son Jesus Christ. Only then, when these minimum standards of behavior have been met will the Father give his blessing to an eternal union. When it comes to creating an eternal family, love alone is not enough. It also requires sacrifice, commitment and covenant administered by priesthood authority. (see D&C 132)
Now don’t get me wrong. There are good, strong families out there that have not yet been sealed in the temple. You can have a strong, though temporary, family without going to the temple, but it will never be as strong
as it could be. Remember, we are not talking about strength in comparison to some other family. Our focus is internal, and thus the only valid comparison is that between where you are now as a family and your ultimate potential, the door to which is opened in the House of the Lord.
So I think we can safely conclude that one of the essential building blocks of eternal family strength is the striving to make and then keep sacred temple covenants. So how do we keep our families pointed towards the temple? There is no single right answer here, but some examples of what others have done include the hanging of pictures of temples in the home, making sure that church publications about temples are readily available, attending the temple regularly if you have a recommend and making sure your family members know that you are going there, and teaching lessons at family home evening on temple work, covenants and necessary standards of worthiness to enter the temple.
Which leads us to another major building block of family strength: Family Home Evening. Now if you are like most congregations, there are some of you out there who hold family home evening each week religiously, making it a priority and only under the rarest of circumstances will you let anything keep you from it. There are a few others of you who for one reason or another, despite prophetic counsel, have yet to attempt to hold family night. But likely the majority of you are those who try to hold family home evening some of the time, alternating between periods of regular gathering and periods of distraction or exhaustion or self-doubt that keep you from bringing the family together for instruction, counsel, activity, and prayer.
I know how that feels. When I was a child, my family was in that last group. With a family of 8 kids squirming about, when we did have family night, my parents often presided over what often could be defined as an argument interspersed with scripture. “Mom, he’s touching me.” “Would you stop breathing on me?”
But even when I was a teenager, complaining about having my life "interrupted" for this weekly gathering, I felt even then that it was right to be together. I don’t remember a single thing that my father or mother taught us on those occasions, but I remember that we were together, and that was good. Time together as a family on those Monday nights built bonds of loyalty and unity that exist to this day among my siblings. It also paved the path of priorities, helping us understand that the gospel was not just for Sunday, but a way of life for every day.
In the D&C (38:27), the Lord says “I say unto you, be one, and if ye are not one ye are not mine.” Unity in the church is a reflection of unity in our homes, according to President J. Reuben Clark, who added: “one of the most important ways to foster unity in the home is holding family home evening regularly. Whether we are young or old, single or married, whether we have children at home or have become empty nesters…Family Home Evening is for everyone.”
For as long as I have been alive and for many years prior, Prophets and apostles of the Lord Jesus Christ have counseled the saints to hold a regular family night and promised great blessings to those who do, including spiritual growth, increased personal worth, family unity, love for our fellowmen, trust in our Father in Heaven, power to resist temptations and many more of the things we crave most for our families.
When I married my sweetheart, we decided early on that we would keep Monday nights sacred, letting nothing interfere with our family home evening. Before the kids came, it was more like a quick devotional with a little scripture study thrown in, but we made a habit of it that continues to this day.
There have been some challenges. One hot spring while I was serving in a Bishopric, we had had weeks of meetings and I had not had time to get the sprinklers adjusted and the lawn was turning brown. Monday night seemed like it would be the only time available to work on those sprinklers. So we found a way to do both. The lesson that night was on following the prophet, followed by an activity where our young children, dressed in their swimsuits, waited while the Lord (played by mom) told the prophet (played by dad) where to lead the saints (played by the kids) around the yard where the sprinklers needed to be adjusted. We were all soaked and laughing. Our neighbor across the street watched in amusement while my little ducklings followed me in single file through the sprays, and finally asked what we were doing. My daughter Emily piped up and replied, “We’re playing Follow the Prophet and my Mom’s the Lord!” I think it is a story that will be told for generations as part of Fotheringham Family Lore, and it would have been missed if there had been no commitment to holding family night.
There have been external challenges too. Sometimes the best shows on TV have been scheduled on Monday nights (though with VCRs and Tivo, that is no longer as big a temptation as it used to be). I’ve told my employer more than once that I would not be available when they tried to schedule Holiday Office Parties on Monday nights. As my kids have grown older, they have been challenged too with invitations to movies, parties or other social gatherings on Monday nights, some of which have come from other members of the Church. I’ve been so proud of them when they respond to these invitations by telling their friends that they will not be coming because it was family night. Sometimes we have arranged to hold an earlier or abbreviated Family Night so that they could attend some special event, but I sometimes wonder why we should have to.
President Gordon B. Hinkley said, in regards to family home evening, “You have to establish in your life some sense of prioritizing things, of giving emphasis to the important things and of laying aside the unimportant things that will lead to nothing. Establish a sense of justice, a sense of what is good and what is not good, what is important and is not important; and that can become a marvelous and wonderful blessing in your lives.”
Another important building block of family strength that generally needs to be placed higher on the priorities list is that of family scripture study. I have to admit that other than on Monday nights, my family has not had much success lately organizing this activity, so I cannot speak from recent experience. But when the kids were younger and were all on the same schedule going to Elementary School, we would read a chapter around the breakfast table, taking turns and helping the youngest to pronounce the big words. Did they understand any of what they were reading? Probably very little at first, but they did have an opportunity to become familiar with the beautiful language of scripture, and were blessed with at least a basic understanding that these books, these words, were important – more so than any other books in the house, because we didn’t read those others every day (although for a time, the Harry Potter series was being read at bedtime fairly regularly).
That daily out-loud reading had other benefits. All my kids are now excellent readers. If you can read scripture with confidence, anything from J.K. Rowling to William Shakespeare is a breeze. Even more important, however, was the building of a common binding reference for where our family would look for answers, for values, for truth.
I'll conclude with one more building block of family strength that also has a high return on investment, but which also takes a fairly high level of commitment to pull off. I speak of daily family prayer.
I can think of nothing as a parent that testifies more powerfully to your children of your faith in God than to kneel together in prayer. For children to hear mother or father plead for their physical and spiritual protection and success in their endeavors is a powerful thing. Hearing these prayers, a child knows that he or she holds an immovable place in your heart. To hear you give thanks helps your children to understand the breadth of God’s blessings, endowing them also with a sense of gratitude. As you pray for the Prophet, they too will come to honor and trust him as a living oracle. As you pray for the missionaries, you will instill a desire to serve missions themselves and build the kingdom by referring friends and neighbors to the missionaries. Pray for the sick and the afflicted and your children learn compassion, and build their faith in modern day miracles and the love of God for His children.
These prayers need not always be long, just sincere. In the morning rush and bustle to get ready for the day, a quick prayer before the first family member leaves the home will work wonders to bolster the faith and unity of all family members. The tricky part comes when schedules don’t mesh. What do you do when someone has to leave the house at 6 am while your teenager who has been out late wants to sleep ‘til noon? You may have to get a little creative, but I testify that the teenager will have no trouble falling back asleep after prayers – even if you have to hold those prayers surrounding the sleeper’s bed. He may not remember hearing the whole prayer – you may not get a clear “Amen” from under those blankets – but your teen will remember you were there, consistently, establishing a pattern of behavior that informs priorities and giving him the confidence of knowing amidst the confusion of adolescence that family is permanent. It‘s like saying, “You are one of us; we will not leave you behind.”
There are other building blocks that we will not have time to explore today. The Proclamation to the World on the Family clearly states that “Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”
Can you see how each of these principles can be enthroned in your home through consistent Family Home Evening, Family Prayer and Scripture Study? If you are not using one or any of these three key building blocks, you are missing a great opportunity to build strength into your family, the kind of strength whereby you will truly know the meaning of having “joy in your posterity.”
A final word from the Proclamation to the World: "Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations."
I testify that those who strive to build family strength and unity by heeding the counsel of our prophets in holding family night, and gathering their families around them for prayer and study, will be richly rewarded for their efforts, and will one day stand before the Great Judge of all men and hear the words “Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.” (Amen.)
